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Boundaries

In order to make yourself feel safe in a relationship, and make others feel safe in relationship to you, you need to know your boundaries and let others know. Here are some things to keep in mind when establishing and communicating your boundaries.

1. Know your boundaries.

We can get swept away in the bustle of everyday living. Sometimes we let things slip, or forget to take care of ourselves the way we should. We can get worn down and forget to stand up for ourselves by letting our boundaries be known. Think back over the past several months of times when you “went ballistic” inside. These are clues to when your boundaries were violated. Intense rage, hurt, indignation, etc. are there to signal you that you need to do something to stop what's going on.

2. Your boundaries are YOUR boundaries.

Everyone has their own idea of that line that can't be crossed by others. Even if with loved ones, sometimes especially with loved ones, we need to make it clear how we want to be treated.

3. Everyone has boundaries, but each person's are different.

Your “line” may be different than someone else's; in fact it probably is. That's why we need to know them and make them clear. Do your homework: Spend some time noting your boundaries and write them down. Learn them well. Learn the signals that announce violations, and learn the phrases to use to stop the violations.

4. Why verbalize your boundaries?

It's a Good Thing. When you know your boundaries and protect them and yourself, it's healthy, you feel good, and your self-esteem rises because you know you're taking care of yourself and standing up for yourself. You have announced to yourself that you're worth it.

5. How to educate others about your boundaries?

Every time something comes up, address it immediately. It's important to keep a steady tone of voice—you don't want to fan the flames—and to go step-by-step. Remember when your Mom held up her hand signaling stop—or sometimes she might have said, "Okay, I've had enough." At other times she used all 3 of your names: "Mary Alice Brown!" Those are the same messages we need to send in our peer and adults relationships. Inform the person, then give a warning, then draw the line, then absent yourself, i.e., "I'm going to leave now to protect myself until you can say/do X or stop talking to me/treating me that way."

6. When you set boundaries respect goes around and around.

It's a sad, but a true fact, that we often need to demand respect from others before they will show it to us. When we show that we intend to be treated with respect, it raises their estimation of us in their eyes. You may think inside yourself that you deserve respect and everyone should know it, or that if you treat someone else with respect they'll return it, but it doesn't always work that way.

7. Stay calm.

When you start the correction process, you don't need to talk about the past and shame the person for past behavior. Establish clearly and calmly that they can do this, and not that, say this and not that, when they are relating with you. Some people will comply right away. Some still won't listen; those "some" you may need to get away from— indefinitely or forever. You're worth surrounding yourself with only people who treat you well, support you, and affirm you.

8. A sense of relief ensues.

You'll feel a sense of relief once you stand up for yourself and protect yourself, and likely the other person will feel relieved that they now know how you want to be treated. People who want to be in relationship with you want to know what the rules are—and everyone's rules are a little different. In the great guessing game of relationships, people guess wrong. They have old patterns of their own, they know many people, and they have been treated well or not well in the past. Some people have never been treated well and so they have no clue on right and wrong behavior in relationships. Verbalizing boundaries makes a clear picture for all concerned, and that's a relief.

9. Learn to recognize "Maximum" in your life.

Know when your boundaries are being violated and do something about it. It may take you awhile to learn your own signals and act on them, but it's worth the practice. Try it —learn your reaction, speak up. You won't do it perfectly at first, but eventually you'll get the hang of it, and you'll be highly motivated by how much better YOU feel, the OTHER person feels, and how your RELATIONSHIPS feel.